What have you lost your temper with your family members about?

After graduating from high school, I asked them to help me advise on which university to apply for, because my score was close to the score line, and I disagreed with my parents, they just wanted me to apply for a university, and I would rather be a phoenix than a chicken head, and I was the opposite of their thoughts, I didn't listen to their opinions, filled in the best two schools, and as a result, they changed my choice without my knowledge, and the result was that I was admitted to a worse university. Because of this, my parents and I were angry for a long time, angry that they didn't respect my ideas at all, and tampered with my wishes at will.

I lost my temper with my parents because they were partial to me, because I felt that they never recognized me, they demanded too much of me, and every time, when I felt that I was doing well, they didn't encourage me, and others did a good job, so they praised them?

I don't want to talk about it, but my parents are so good to me, I don't know how to express it. My parents are basically satisfied with my demands, but sometimes when I am not happy, I will lose my temper with them, and they don't know why I lost my temper, and I regret it afterwards. But now I basically haven't lost my temper with my parents, so I'll talk about a thing that I lost my temper with my parents when I was a child.

It was around the second year of junior high school, and my teeth hurt. As we all know, there is no particularly effective reliever for toothache, and the reason for this is that I ate too much sugar when I was a child and had tooth decay. Then I really didn't feel any mood when it hurt, but my parents kept helping me find a way to stop it.

I tried all kinds of things to stop the pain, and then my temper came up, and I got angry with my parents and said something very bad. Then I started crying, but I didn't expect my teeth to hurt when I cried and cried. It's just a small thing about me losing my temper with my parents, but I regret that I lost my temper with my parents too much.

I especially remember the year of the college entrance examination, when I was in a boarding school, I needed registration information when filling out the information form, and I finally borrowed a ** to call my father, but my father hung up on my ** because he was playing. At noon that day, I went home and lost my temper with my dad. Now that I think about it, it was the only time I lost my temper with my family, but thankfully we reconciled in the end.

For example, recently my mother came to see me, he actually brought a pot of meat over, put it in the trunk, and I had a pair of sneakers I just bought in the trunk, and then the soup, oil and water on the way to the drive were sprinkled on the shoes, my shoes were wasted, and they couldn't be cleaned, so I lost my temper, and I really felt distressed when I think about it now.

To be honest, sometimes I feel inexplicable when I lose my temper with them, and I don't know why, maybe it's because I was in a bad mood at the time, and then I met my parents who chattered a few words about myself, and this temper was lit all of a sudden, and I vented all my emotions to them, I believe we all have such an experience, but I want to tell you here: don't leave all your bad emotions to care about yourself, which hurts their hearts.

When they expect too much from me, I lose my temper with them, because I feel that sometimes the goal they give me is too big for me to bear, and I feel that it has caused me a lot of psychological pressure, and I don't think I need to reach that height, I'm just an ordinary person.

When confronted with loved ones, we sometimes fall into a single-level mindset.

Single-level thinking means that we set a goal for ourselves without considering the actual situation, and we are desperate to achieve it, and if we don't achieve it, we won't give up, and we are entangled in this goal, and we can't get out of the dead alley where we can't be happy if we don't achieve it. Single-level thinking allows us to impose our own subjective ideas on ourselves or others. This kind of thinking often brings great harm to ourselves and our families.

For example, one partner in a relationship will ask the other partner to say, "I love you!" The other side said, "What are you talking about, it's strange." Then the former desperately asked the latter to say, and then he started to be virtual after the clan, why can't he say that he loves me?

Does he not love me? In the end, the more I think about it, the more sad I become, and this leads to self-harm. If it is serious, he may lose his temper with the other party and have conflicts, which is his injury.

And it may be that the latter loves him very much, just because of the environment in which he grew up, and does not like this way of expressing love. In fact, we may be able to think about it from another angle, Li Han, we obviously know that our partner doesn't like this kind of expression, but we still force him to say this sentence and let him do things he doesn't like to do. So do we really love him?

If we really love Him, we will respect His way of expressing it, and our behavior proves that we don't love Him enough!

Reason three: We sometimes don't realize that we expect too much from our loved ones.

Compared with our loved ones, we tend to be more patient with "others" and less prone to anger. Because we assume that "others" do not understand us, it is necessary to fully communicate in order to obtain the understanding and cooperation of "others". But when it comes to our families, our patience is limited, because we believe that our family should know and support us best.

In general, it is true that the closer people are, the more understanding and support they will be for each other. However, it is unrealistic for family members to be able to fully understand everything from point to point, and we ourselves cannot always understand and support the needs and ideas of our loved ones. But when something doesn't go well, we often think:

It's just that others don't understand me, why don't you understand me either? If others don't know how to cooperate with me and support me, why don't you understand it either? "The more you think about it, the more angry you get.

It's all because we expect too much from our family, and sometimes we don't realize it.

1. Because of familiarity, so tolerance. We know how much the other party can tolerate, so no matter how much we try to make the town angry, we won't step beyond their range. We do this because they can tolerate us and know the truth behind the superficial lie of our tantrums.

2. In the face of various situations in life, we all have the ability to choose. You can be furious, complain, or even blame everyone for an unfortunate event, but things won't change in the slightest. Unfortunate things will continue to accompany you in the rest of your life, so that you can live with a lifetime of pain.

3. Family is the warmest environment for us. When we are wronged outside, we will go home and often vent. In such a psychologically safe environment, it is easy for us to forget how to speak well and use unpleasant language to our family members.

Our biggest mistake is to give the worst temper and the worst side to those closest to us, but to give patience and tolerance to others, even strangers.

First, the traditional Chinese family culture generally has unclear boundaries and incomplete individualized separation, and we often belong to the symbiotic stage with our children, parents, lovers and other family members, and are too deeply involved in each other's feelings, so we always adopt the defense mechanism of projection and projective identity interaction.

We always take it for granted that the thoughts and desires of other people such as our parents may be more similar to ours in some aspects, and we always unconsciously impose our own desires and needs on each other.

to the people closest to them, thus causing both sides to lose.

Second, our human nature is to seek advantages and avoid disadvantages, and anger in the family or clan can not only vent our backlog of grievances and dissatisfaction, but also not worry about being punished, attacked and hurt.

In the operation of subconscious wit, our relationship with our relatives is a relationship of sadism and masochism, and even a relationship of masochism and masochism of each other, which has a deep connection of blood ties and also has a connection of mutual needs Further explanation, through this relationship of love and killing, we have a clearer understanding of who we are.

Third, we can get along with colleagues and friends on the outside, because our spiritual distance from them determines the limited involvement of feelings, in addition, we are in the social culture, the need for face, with a false self or personality mask to interact with others, many occasions with friends, colleagues, neighbors, etc. are cooperative relations, so there are fewer conflicts and frictions.

However, we will see:

Once we have a cooperative relationship with someone outside the family and it becomes a competitive relationship, once we are at a disadvantage in the competition or when our interests are damaged, our anger will create conflict.

A person who handles external relationships well, in addition to a more moderate sense of self-boundaries, may also be related to the operation of his mature personality mask.

We will also see a lot of people who are very sensitive and nervous in interpersonal relationships, and the relationship with their families is not better.

This is because we are highly likely to have negative empathy towards our colleagues, leaders, friends, etc.

That is, we will project or transfer the love and hatred we had for our parents in our early years to outsiders!

First, compared with outsiders, losing your temper with your family is "zero cost".

As for why we are used to getting angry with those closest to us, there is a high praise here that it is safest to lose your temper with your family and the least expensive to forgive, because we expect them not to leave us.

It can be seen that people are a species that will predict the results with shallow consciousness, and "zero cost" makes our attitude towards our family and outsiders completely different. Most people think that no matter how much I lose my temper in the family, the people close to me will not really get angry and leave me.

Second, in the face of family members, the longer they spend together, the more demanding they will be.

Compared to outsiders, we get along with our loved ones more casually, for longer periods of time, and have a higher value of interdependence. As a result, your expectations of him will be much higher than that of a casual stranger or someone who is not very relevant.

Just like tutoring children in Bird's Rock to write their homework, it is the best realistic embodiment of this theory. When it comes to our partners, we also want them to be able to share the pressures in their lives.

Third, it is habitual to feel that tantrums seem to solve the problem faster.

When it comes to partners, we can usually get angry easily. Intellectually, we know that anger is not actually a powerful manifestation, but in terms of feelings, when we are angry, we avoid appearing lower than others, and suggest completing the process of psychological strengthening.

In fact, we can calmly say that we need others and need each other's understanding, rather than using tantrums to solve problems.

The more time we spend together, the higher our expectations, and we often think that family members should take the initiative to meet our needs.

We tend to demand from our close people in an almost harsh way, and we think "if I tell you what I want, then what's the point of late spring", so we often use a reverse force to force family members to take the initiative to discover our needs.

And after this kind of reverse force is manifested, it is often more anger, complaining, nagging and even quarrelling, we think that the family understands us as a matter of course, we do not say that the family should take the initiative to ask and even meet their own expectations, we habitually lack empathy for the family, always self-centered, overly concerned about their own desires and feelings, and never put ourselves in the shoes of the family members to care about the emotions of the family.

Tantrums at home can be done without any worries, and they will all forgive us unconditionally

I once heard the saying "If you want to really understand a person, then look at his attitude towards his family, because at home, he will take off all his disguises and masks and show his truest self".

Each of us accumulates all kinds of negative emotions outside, but I clearly understand that if we don't talk to our colleagues well, we will lose our image and even affect our career development; If we don't treat our customers respectfully, we will lose this opportunity to make money, and when these negative emotions need to be vented, we tend to choose the closest family members, we know that losing our temper with our family members is the safest and has no worries, because the cost of losing our temper with our family is the lowest, there is no interest involved, and the family will never leave us.