Evaluate a poem I created, how do I need to change it?

The general idea is very good, the scenes inside are blended, touching the scene, not bad. But from this point of view, do you want to write in ancient style or modern style? I'm not modest, I'll help you change it, just change it to an ancient style! Deser, Deser.

The leaves are falling one after another, and the garden is piled up. The rain is dripping, and the autumn breeze is rising. At dusk, the flowers and leaves are gone.

The merciless roar turned into the autumn wind, looking up at the low sky. The wind is remnant, the leaves are remnant, the autumn rain is remnant, life is bleak, life is powerless, and what can I do with sadness? The beauty of the jade is lost and the fragrance is ......Borrowing wine to dispel sorrows, sorrows have not stopped, who can carry more sorrows.

Falling leaves, autumn rain deposits, vain sorrow, unexpectedly, sorrow is even more bizarre.

The full name of the word is a song and can be sung, so for the needs of singing, there will be rhyme and peace, and it will not sound good if it is messed up. After the Song Dynasty crossed to the south, the lyrics and scores of the song were lost, and the words of the song could not be sung gradually, and could only be used for chanting.

In addition to the existing word card, don't innovate the word card, for the self-degree song, non-talent can not be competent, Baishi Taoist (Jiang Kui), halal layman (Zhou Bangyan) are able to compose music, so the self-degree song, in line with the music score, harmonious and beautiful.

The word boss is self-controlled, but five rhymes are used throughout the text. And committed the taboo of using vernacular words, repeating words, etc., in addition, chattering and verbose, on the whole, modern poetry is okay, and there is not even a trace of words.

Although I don't want to hurt you. But I would also say that only the part that borrows from and quotes ancient poems is good, and the other parts. It can only be used to cultivate one's own sentiments, so don't be proud.

The highlight of the whole poem is only the wonderful sentences of the predecessors, and if you want to pursue a higher level of poetry, it does need to be revised, and most of it needs to be revised. If I or someone else finishes revising it for you, no matter how good it is, you won't write it. So, brother, the right is to express your feelings and cultivate your sentiments.

I hope you will continue to work hard and write better poetry

Autumn rain and bits and pieces are a bit conflicting, it is recommended to change one, replace one of the two autumn winds, can't eliminate one, change one, and change one in the next.

First of all, the title, the word moonlit night does not summarize the gist of the word, there is a perfunctory feeling. Next is the first two words: wheel.

These two words should be what the author wants to mirror with the wisps behind, but as long as we think about it carefully, we will find that there will only be 1 moon, and how can we say the word wheel? The next word Ying, the semantic expression is not clear, dare to ask the author, how can Qingyue reflect the lotus pond? On the contrary, it is better for the clear moon to be reflected in the lotus pond or the lotus pond to reflect the clear moon.

In addition, there is only artistic conception in the whole poem, no lyricism, purely for the sake of writing the scene, as for the rest of the part, it is not a detailed taste, the author can try to translate his own poem, see what the center is, and then change it separately. Please advise if there are any inappropriate points in the review. I hope the author will praise it.

Little birds. I looked at the window.

I saw a little bird.

It's right in front of my eyes.

Showing off its wings.

I stood in front of the window.

Thinking about this little bird.

It is withered and unrestrained.

You can fly freely.

But what about me? I can only envy this little bird.

All I have is piles of homework.

Some just stare alone.

The night is starry and starry.

It's a little bird in my heart.

It's very sad, I heard a lot of words about poetry should have architectural beauty and ** beauty, I think every sentence of your poem is very rhyming, if you add a little overlap, top truth, the beauty of the rhyme will be more prominent. Dai Wangshu has a poem with only two paragraphs: it is said to be the sorrow of the lonely autumn, and it is said to be the lovesickness of the distant sea Li Ling.

If someone asks me about my troubles, I dare not say your name.

I dare not name you, if anyone asks me about my troubles:

It is said that it is the acacia of the vast sea, which game is pure.

It is said to be the sorrow of the lonely autumn. It's bland, but it's beautiful. Or Lahanxu's poetry is not long, Lu Xun said that the humanities will be left behind in future generations, and the most powerful one is like the voice of the heart. Just write your heart out.

I think it's very good to write it.

Words are great, but you shouldn't post them in this section.

Do you ask for the change to become a compliment or a derogatory, imitating respect, respecting, elegant, decent, and generous

Vulgar manners, manners**.

I don't know the rhyme of the words at all, but I want to try to change it.

1. Personally, I think"A night of dreams, a night of dreams"A bit repetitive, change one of them to"A dreamless night"It's better

2 can't understand"Years often"What does it mean, change to"The years go by"There will be some charm, and if there is a rhyme relationship, it can also be changed"It's been a long time"..

.I don't know what to say for the rest.

I think it's completely piling up imagery, this is a big taboo pants for writing words, some places even you can't explain clearly, Jiang Bi is rough and simple, the water is clear and the smoke and the moon are bright, how can the smoke moon be Ming's bench rent?

This is just my personal opinion ...

1.It's not right;

2.The rhyme is wrong;

As for the artistic conception! ......

Doesn't anyone write bold words now?

I feel that the sentences are not very coherent between sentences, and if your friends are not particularly fond of literature, you don't need to use green grass, insects and other imagery, and I feel that the festive atmosphere seems to be lacking, because the insects sing in the poem are mostly set off by the bleak scenery, and it may be better to change to birds, such as yellow birds, such as orioles, etc., and the words and sentences should be simple and easy to understand, so that people can understand at a glance, such as Nan Yan is effective in flying"Effective: Fly"It's too written.,I feel like it's easier to understand than Yifei.,But I can see that you're very talented.。

Xia Zhaoyun Pavilion is ashamed to congratulate, and the sun reflects a few wisps of incense. Zhonglun Jing Wei Cage, the insect sings slowly, and it seems to be a newlywed.

The green grass in the forest is green, and the industry is full of spring. Nan Yan is effective in flying, the wall is in harmony, and the piano continues for a hundred years.

The main thing is that it is not quite compatible with the newlywed Yan'er, and the "continuation" of "still like a newlywed" and "Qin Se's centennial continuation" is best changed.

There is also a continuation of the sentence "green grass and green slopes in the forest" has a ghostly atmosphere. It's better to change the image of "vines".

The insect sings slowly, and it seems to be a newlywed, which is a little inappropriate after the first sentence, especially "it is still like a newlywed".

It makes people feel that they are all married for the second time!