A small poem, please advise, just made a small poem, please give more valuable comments, thank you.

It should be said that the landlord is literate, but there is still a deviation in the understanding of the ancient poetry and rhythm.

Too much knowledge still needs to be learned by the landlord himself. On your song alone, I would like to make a few comments (subject to your supplementary draft):

Clause. The first and second sentences are acceptable, but the problem lies in the last two sentences. In the third sentence, the last word should not rhyme, so it is suspected of slipping away. In the fourth sentence, the last word must be flat (flat sound refers to one or two tones, and 仄音 refers to three or four tones, usually singular sentences are flat sounds, and even sentences are flat sounds).

One aspect of ancient poetry is that it is catchy to read, without losing its tone and frustration. I dare to give a modification plan for your reference.

Butterflies dance, birds chirp, children play, and the grass is green in spring.

You chase me and laugh together, and Bai Suo and Huang Tong are not tired.

Didn't pay attention to the rhythm of the poem. After revision, it is still out of tune, mainly in the first two sentences.

Butterflies and birds, children's play, and they are out of tune

The grass is verdant in spring.

Ping Ping Ping Qi (out of tune).

You chase me and laugh together, and you are mediocre.

Bai Chau and Huang Tong are not tired of fun.

It's a lot of peace.

I don't know how to write poetry, but I think it's really unnecessary to suppress rhyme, but it will limit myself. I've seen some ancient Japanese waka songs, which express one's beliefs and values from the smallest of scenes, and that should be more than pure exclamation and narrative poems.

The rhythm upstairs said it was really powerful. Such a poem can barely catch the eye after such treatment, but the last sentence is not elegant. At first, it was a child's play, but it suddenly appeared "Bai Suo" and "you chase me", which is unreasonable.

The poem rhymes very well, and the scenery is beautiful, but I feel that there are some places that seem to rhyme for the sake of rhyme, and it may feel better if it is natural.

The scene described is good, and it is very pressing, but you should also learn the relevant knowledge of ancient poetry, and you can also take a look at the complete collection of Tang poetry.

Turn children's games into children's play.

It is recommended that you go to Bailu Academy to write a small essay hehe

Too straightforward, elementary school level.

Modern people always write ancient poems wrongly.

Suggestion: It is better to write acacia poems with "Gusu" rhyme, and modify them slightly:

Saffron beans in the sleeve, send lovesickness from afar.

Embroidery needle pick silk thread, Huafa stationed in Hualing.

Frost cotyledons, looking at autumn twilight.

Last year's beautiful shadow, when will it return to the city.

I have never returned all year round, and the leaves are gone.

I don't know the sorrow, so what is the basis for worrying now.

Suffering and suffering depend on each other, and the relatives gather into nothingness.

When the mirror is cold and thin, the frost sideburns are proud.

The mirror falls and the face is broken, and the delicate flowers are no longer red.

Heavy sleep is annoying, and shallow is useless.

If you really have the same heart, you can meet on the bridge.

The jade hand under the silk is thick, and the red is acacia.

It's a bit of a stiff drag. As mentioned upstairs, not rhyming is one thing, and the other is a bit of a vernacular.

In fact, as a poetic way, it should be slightly obscure, and it should not be too straightforward. The greatest charm of poetry is that it gives people a blind imagination. What do you think?

For example, the first sentence.

The saffron beans in his hand, the lovesickness is far away.

If given into. Red beans are buried in the hand, and lovesickness sends sorrow.

Can you give people a little more imagination?,My own opinion.。 Improper treatment of sea culverts.

There is one sentence that I didn't say, what a delicate and infatuated woman.

Hehe, the writing is flying, if it is a regular modern poem, it is not reproachful, if it is well modified, the rhyme is better. Catchy. It's more poetic. If it is more subtle, it will --- to the next level

lz It's not easy to compose a poem, I don't know much about it, so don't blame me if it's not right to put forward a little idea.

The emotions of LZ's pursuit are roughly expressed;

Because it is an ancient poetic style, it seems to at least rhyme, and there is no rhyme at the end of the lz poem, which cannot make people read catchy and have a stiff feeling.

This can be counted as a five-word arrangement, but pingxuan, rhyme, refining words, etc. are all lacking in heat, so it is recommended to learn from scratch.

I'm Cold Moon. I am a cold moon.

Hang high in the night sky.

The sun sets over the hills.

And I rose into the air.

The sun spreads heat.

Empower people.

The moonlight leaks out of the cold.

It makes people feel quiet.

I am a cold moon.

Fly over the forest overhead.

Listen to the mournful howl of the wolf.

Look at the gloomy shadow of the tree.

I am a cold moon.

Float over the grassland.

Winding silver bands.

Shining with holy white light.

I am a cold moon.

Lie on the shoulders of the mountains.

Enjoy the dance of fireflies.

Listen to the flow of the stream.

I'm cold though.

but drove away the darkness.

Because I want to give.

So the stars are with you.

The literati and I are against wine.

Tell the sorrow in your heart.

The parker and I looked at each other.

I miss my relatives in the hometown of Yushu.

I just listened quietly.

Look quietly. Quietly give everything.

Waiting for the morning sun to come.