Why has there been a discordant relationship between mother in law and daughter in law for thousands

First of all, we should treat it correctly, and understand the phenomenon of disharmony in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

Because this is a problem that has been passed down for many years, we can understand it from the perspective of human nature. There is no doubt that a mother who raises a son from childhood to adulthood must have a deep affection for her son.

He devotes a large part of his energy and time to his son, so he should care about his son very much.

At the same time, another woman also likes his son very much, and at the same time, another woman will get some likes and treatment from his son. So at this time, the son's energy is limited, so he will put some of his time and energy into this wife's side.

At this time, as a mother, that is, as a mother-in-law, it will be very uncomfortable, because most of the sons have always been very close to him, so suddenly it is equivalent to a person taking away his son from his side, and also taking away the emptiness and feelings in his heart.

This naturally leads to a lack of harmony in the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, because the relationship between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law is connected through this kind of son. Therefore, no matter which party the son is closer to or more distant from, the other party thinks that the problem lies with the other party, so it will make the relationship between the two people unharmonious.

Especially in a country like ours, which is particularly humane. This kind of relationship is particularly unharmonious, because this is a very normal human relationship.

This is because two people live in completely different worlds and only come together because of this man. The two of them are not related by blood, they are not relatives at all, and when they live together, their living habits and personal concepts will be somewhat different, so unpleasant phenomena will occur.

The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has been discordant for so many years, because the mother-in-law has never treated her daughter-in-law as her own family, always finds fault with her daughter-in-law, and does not treat her daughter-in-law as her own child, so the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is always not harmonious.

It seems to be the result of the traditional Chinese concept of the extended family.

Because of the concept of extended family, we are used to living with the old man after marriage. In this way, the new family of the daughter-in-law and son will be mixed with the original big family, and it is easy to have problems. Because, traditionally, the role of the daughter-in-law is the least important, she is the "outsider" of the extended family, and it is bound to be difficult to integrate into the system of the extended family at first.

However, in the current family, the daughter-in-law and the son are almost equally important, she has to bear the same financial pressure, the same has to go outside, and has a lot of resources, she must think that this is her home, not her mother-in-law's. If the mother-in-law thinks that this is her own home and can't help but make decisions in this home, there will inevitably be conflicts. If the son falls into the mother-in-law relationship" and does not actively mediate, then the family can easily fall apart.

However, the essence of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not the extended family, but the Oedipus complex, that is, the mother-lover complex - in turn, the love-son complex.

Because, the traditional Chinese family is unbalanced, the parent-child relationship is the core, and the husband and wife relationship is the supporting role. In this model, the mother-child relationship is almost inevitably more important than the husband and wife relationship. In other words, for a mother, her son is her most important emotional sustenance, and her husband is at most second.

In this way, once the son gets married, it means that the mother will lose her most important emotional sustenance, and I am afraid that no one wants to accept this huge loss. Unwillingly, the mother-in-law inevitably had a battle with her daughter-in-law.

In fact, the big family is not a problem, if the big family respects the independence of the small family, and the parents-in-law love each other, and their relationship between husband and wife is more important than the parent-child relationship, then even if the parents-in-law and son and daughter-in-law live together, the relationship between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law will not be a problem, because the mother-in-law only loses the second most important person in her life, which is bearable.

So in the final analysis: the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a lie, the triangle relationship is the truth, and the son, who is the core of the triangle relationship, is the best person to mediate the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

This is very simple, because after all, it is not his own daughter, and the estrangement will always exist. My mother-in-law is not my own mother, and I don't have that concept in my heart, and I don't have the same attitude as I treat my parents, I am self-centered in everything, I don't think about others, and I don't think about other people's feelings.

It can be said that this is a family phenomenon unique to China.

There are 3 main reasons for this:

1. The boundary between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not clear.

The conflicts between people are mostly caused by the unclear boundaries between each other, and the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is no exception.

Many mothers-in-law have a mentality: their son was raised by themselves, so they pin a lot of hopes on their son and gain a sense of security through their control. When the son got married, this sense of security was lost, and then the more he wanted to be involved in the life of the small family, the more mixed it became, the more chaotic it became.

There is also an unclear boundary between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law, that is, the mother-in-law should give more help to help her small family, but she does not want to be controlled by the mother-in-law, so the contradiction arises.

2. The concept of family is not clear, the original family is the family that a person grew up in from childhood to adulthood, that is, the home of our parents. The new family is a small family formed by our partner after we get married. Therefore, the mother-in-law should not control the daughter-in-law with all her strength and show her status, and the daughter-in-law should not expect too much from the mother-in-law and treat her as a relative.

The best way for the original family and the new family to get along is to rely on each other and be independent of each other, there is no problem of everyone interfering with the small family and the small family gnawing everyone, and the relationship during this period is handled well, and the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will naturally be reduced a lot.

3. The man caught in the middle does not act.

Because of different ideological concepts, some mothers will feel that their sons have a daughter-in-law and forget their mother. I felt a sense of disparity, feeling that I had been neglected. Then he will blame these bad feelings on his daughter-in-law, and then produce contradictions, brush his presence in all aspects, and show his mother-in-law's status.

The new daughter-in-law did not dare to go against her mother-in-law, so she could only swallow her anger and complain to her husband, hoping to get comfort from her husband. And the man who is usually caught in the middle is inactive, allowing the relationship between the two women to develop on its own, and complaining that the sandwich biscuits are not easy to make, how good can such a family relationship be?

As the builder of the marital relationship, it should also be the bearer of the relationship. When dealing with the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, a smart man knows how to "hide from both ends and say good things", that is, praise his daughter-in-law with his mother-in-law, praise his mother-in-law with his daughter-in-law, and at the same time press down the words they complain to each other, so that the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will naturally develop in a benign direction.

Much of the blame for the existence of this phenomenon lies with the mother-in-law.

1.Both sides have different ways of thinking. It is often said that there is a generation gap at the age of three, and the difference between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law is generally twenty or thirty years, so the generation gap must exist.

The older generation of people will certainly not be the same as the young people today because of their own life experience, he is not used to the lifestyle and living habits of young people now, for the same thing, the starting point and point of view of both sides are very different, and in the end it will lead to the daughter-in-law feeling that she is right, but the mother-in-law is always aimed at herself, and the mother-in-law will feel that I am also very wronged, I am thinking about you in everything.

2.The mother-in-law in the above situation is quite good, if you meet that kind of mother-in-law, who thinks that her son is raised by herself since childhood, and her son should listen to him in everything, and the daughter-in-law is an outsider and can't put her mother-in-law with her mentality and status right, how can the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law be good?

3.There are also different consumption concepts between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. After all, there is no blood relationship between the two, the two sides will only live together because of a common person, and the two sides cannot achieve unconditional tolerance and understanding, plus if they cannot communicate in a timely and effective manner, then it will be inevitable that there will be contradictions after a long time.

4.There are other reasons related to the male head of the family, if he does not act and favors his mother, in many cases, the daughter-in-law will be wronged, and the family may be broken up in the long run.

Only when the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law strive to learn to do enough work in language and behavior, the mother-in-law respects the daughter-in-law, and the daughter-in-law respects the mother-in-law, everything can be discussed harmoniously first, and at the same time, the husband and son, as a third party, also play an important role in regulating the relationship between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law, can the family be harmonious.

There is no way. The bitter daughter-in-law boiled into a mother-in-law, which illustrates this problem. If you are used to being bullied, you will bully others. But there are also reasonable.

The mother-in-law is worried that her son will be robbed by her daughter-in-law, and the daughter-in-law will stand on her side if her husband can't tell everything, so that the contradiction exists, remember the family and everything.

For thousands of years, there has been a phenomenon of disharmony between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, mainly due to the following reasons.

1. The concept is different.

Between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, most of them have a large age difference, generally 20 to 30 years old, basically belonging to two different eras.

The social environment is changing with each passing day, there is so much difference in age, and the background of education and growth is naturally very different, and these differences will lead to great differences in the concepts of the two, especially in the concept of parenting, which is the hardest hit area of contradictions.

And the big difference in various concepts is easy to produce differences of opinion, which in turn stimulates the contradictions and conflicts between the two.

2. The inaction of the man in the middle.

When a conflict first arises, it is most necessary for someone to mediate in the middle, and this person is the husband of the daughter-in-law and the son of the mother-in-law.

This man, who is also a husband and a son, was sandwiched between two women, and when his mother quarreled with his wife, some inactive men chose to remain silent, allowing these two women to quarrel more and more fiercely, and the quarrel was inseparable, even to the point"You die, I die"of the situation.

If the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is to be good, the man among them has a vital role.

3. They don't treat each other as family.

As the saying goes, there is no overnight hatred between mother and daughter, which means that no matter what conflict occurs between mother and daughter, when you wake up the next day, everyone will forget about these unpleasant things.

But why the contradictions between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can become more and more intense, and most of them are because they can't forget it, because when the daughter-in-law is in her mother-in-law's house, she always feels that she is an outsider, and her mother-in-law also treats her daughter-in-law as an outsider.

This kind of xenophobic emotion is easy to produce a defensive mentality, and the unpleasant memories brought to you by the other party will not be easily forgotten, but will be lingering.

This kind of xenophobic psychology is not easy to cultivate deep feelings between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and it is also easy to provoke contradictions because of some trivial things.

For thousands of years, there has been a phenomenon of disharmony in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, that is, different value orientations. Mother-in-law's values, the son is a heart and liver baby in his mind, he is afraid of falling in his hand, and he is afraid of melting in his mouth. I am afraid that my son will suffer a little hardship and a little grievance.

is willing to be a cow and a horse, to help his son take more responsibility, and he is not willing to let his son be "bullied".

In the eyes of the daughter-in-law, the husband should love and accommodate himself, and no matter how much he pays, it is a matter of course. Under the two opposing concepts, the attitude of two women to life for a man, that is, the contradiction between the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, cannot be reconciled.

Think about one being the master and the other being the servant, how can the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law be harmonious under this concept? It is said that the daughter-in-law treats her mother-in-law as her mother, and the mother-in-law treats her daughter-in-law as her own daughter, which is unrealistic and not the key to solving the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

What can really solve the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is empathy, taking into account the feelings and dislikes of the other party. Look at the problem from the other side's point of view and analyze the problem. Learn to be tolerant and tolerant in order to win souls.

Degree empathy is easy to say, but difficult to do, one is the flesh that falls from the body, and the love of a loving mother will not change at will. One is to rely on one's own happiness to provide a sense of security, and will not be interfered by others and compromised.

Therefore, there has been a phenomenon of disharmony between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law for thousands of years. Since the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law cannot be reconciled, why not take a step back. As the old saying goes, take a step back and calm the waves, and let the sea and the sky be broadened.

Children and grandchildren have their own children and grandchildren, don't be cattle and horses for your children and grandchildren, mother-in-law understands this truth, and she will be relaxed and no longer feel aggrieved for her son.

First, stereotypes.

Because many people have formed such an outdated concept in their brains, they will feel that the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has always been unharmonious, and under the influence of this concept, their own hearts will unconsciously resist this relationship. If both people have a sense of resistance, the relationship will definitely not get along.

Secondly, its own problems.

We found that many mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have unharmonious relationships, in fact, both parties have their own problems, the mother-in-law can't accept the daughter-in-law psychologically, and the daughter-in-law can't accept the mother-in-law psychologically, and then the two sides will definitely show disharmony on top of this unequal relationship.