What s the funniest joke you ve ever heard in your life?

Here's one for you to see: A lady goes to the bank with two noisy children to withdraw money, and this lady does not want her children's uncultured behavior to be exposed in front of so many people, so, after entering the bank, she suddenly shouts to her children: "Face the wall, no talking."

All of a sudden, everyone in the bank was facing the wall, not daring to make a sound. ‍‍

Previous high school classmates have been in touch after graduation, at that time there was no WeChat, usually are ** text message contact, once at a party, a classmate in the class said that his girlfriend broke up with him (his girlfriend used to be a classmate in our next class, we all knew each other), I asked him why he broke up and he said he didn't know, my classmate was more picky, I think it may be caused by this reason, in order to find out the truth of the matter, so I contacted his girlfriend, not to mention it, it was okay, as soon as he mentioned this matter, his girlfriend was angry and trembling, This guy usually never takes the initiative to call her, don't say it, and send a text message to deduct and search, his girlfriend really couldn't stand it and sent him a text message: "I don't think we're suitable, I want to break up with you!" As a result, he didn't reply until the next month:

Last month, the monthly text message subscription ran out, why did you break up with me? ”

A friend is called Lao Mao, who is very stingy. Not only for others, but also for yourself and your family. One day, the children in the family wanted to eat the braised pork and sauce loach in the restaurant.

The old cat was naturally reluctant to go to the restaurant to buy it, but he and his wife didn't know how to do it. So the old cat took the two dishes in the mobile phone, made them, switched back and forth and put them on the table, and the family looked at the braised pork and sauce loach in the mobile phone to eat rice.

I remember when I was a child, my parents always quarreled, and once the quarrel was very bad, my mother turned around and went to the house to get a bottle of rat poison, pointed at my father and said: You don't love me anymore, I want to let me taste the taste of losing my loved ones, and tears fell down my eyes! Then take the rat poison and pour it into my mouth!

I remember a joke that Hawick Lau told Yang Mi more clearly, it was like this: Hawick Lau asked Yang Mi, "Mi Mi, do you know why this pavilion is so big?" "I don't know! You know? Liu: "Because it doesn't want to be that small."

Our headmaster was passing by the back door of the school one day and suddenly heard a sentence: "I want to take the Oxford exam!" The principal was immediately moved, he didn't expect such aspiring young people in his school, and decided to see who it was. Suddenly, I heard another sentence: "Bring me two more strings of big waists!" ”

I bought buns in the morning, and a serious old man sold them, and I: "Boss, how much is a bun?" Boss: "The original price is 998, and today I will do an activity of 98, see that you are a student, I will charge you 1 yuan."

I was shopping with my wife, and I met my former female classmate and her dad who were also shopping. The female classmate chatted with me very enthusiastically, and then stayed**. At this time, the wife, who had been silent, said to the female classmate's father: "Why don't we keep a ** too?" ”

Yesterday, I found a doctor, and after checking the pulse, I was advised to exercise more, don't buy drinks, drink more plain water, take more buses or walk, don't eat outside, try to be vegetarian, and eat less meat and seafood! I nodded and asked him, "What's wrong with me?"

The old Chinese medicine doctor said: "The income is too low, the pressure is too great, it is not suitable for high consumption, and as soon as you spend money, you will get angry!" ”.

What a miracle doctor!

Sleeping and playing with the phone, there is a little bug flying on the screen all the time.

I took her phone and turned off my screen, and the little bug was smoothly attracted to her phone screen.

I handed it to her and said, "It's just a life, save some fun." ”

I think the funniest joke is that one of my librarians classifies "How Steel is Made" in the metal smelting category.

In the sixties, the planned economy, eating and dressing in the countryside was authentic and meticulous.

In front of my family, my mother in Sanyang was 70 years old, and the countryside was poor at that time, so I fried a few more eye-catching dishes at home for anything, and invited relatives and friends to have a lively time.

This is not a lot of people, the atmosphere is very active, when the food is about the same, someone reminded to firecrackers, so to ask the birthday star to incense, the result is that you can't see Sanyang her mother, now everyone panicked, looking around, and finally Sanyang found her mother in the kitchen stove that her mother was burning the fire, okay, do Shou forgot about the birthday star, Sanyang hurriedly called his mother to the living room, but she couldn't live or die: Yangzi, your mother has been in charge of the stove for more than 30 years, and her mother is down-to-earth here....As a result, the firecrackers were stunned.

1. A person walks on the beach and picks up a magic lamp, and the magic lamp says, "I can fulfill a wish for you." ”

The man said, "Cats have nine lives, so give me nine lives."

The magic lamp nodded, satisfying him, "You now have nine lives." ”

After a few days, the man was bored and wanted to die once, but he had nine lives anyway. He walked to the tracks, lay there, and after a train sped by, the man died.

Why? The reason for this is that the train that has just passed has exactly 10 cars ......

2. Two good buddies are about to take the exam, and they want to cheat together, so they study Moore code hard and finally learn it. When I took the exam, I tapped the table with a pen to communicate. The exchange goes like this:

Question 1: Will you? "I won't, will you?" "Neither will I."

Question 2: Will you? "I won't, will you?" "Neither will I."

3. Xiao Ming (yes, Xiao Ming again) was fighting at school, and the teacher asked him to call his parents.

Xiao Ming said timidly: "My mother is not available to ......."”

The teacher said, "How do you know your mother is not available?" Take out your phone, and now call your mother in front of me and call her! ”

**After getting through, Xiao Ming said: "The teacher asked you to come to school. ”

You teachers are breaking things every day! Not available! Article 2 ......”

A joke my dad told me and my sister and brother! Although it was a very cold joke, more than thirty years are still fresh in my memory! It's also very simple! I'm going to tell you what I'm going to write.

Talk: In the past, during the Three Kingdoms period, there were often wars, and there were countless casualties! Every country wants to occupy the territory of other countries!

One day, Cao Cao marched with an army of 100,000 to attack the state of Wu, and marched all the way with an army of 100,000, crossing a bridge halfway! So Cao Cao crossed the bridge with an army of 100,000 knocks, knocks.

It took a few minutes for Dad to say a knock, a few minutes later, and then we all asked in unison! And then what?

Dad said that the army of 100,000 was still crossing the bridge.

Children's cross talk "Who is the cutest person".

A: The teacher asked me to judge who is the cutest person, and the champion must be me.

B: You don't have hope, it must be me, I don't believe in us.

A: I've heard that you like to play chess.

B: That's right. A: Your dad also likes to play chess.

B: yes. A: No, I used to play chess with your father.

B: Right. A: One time I was playing chess with your father, who do you think I am the best?

B: My dad is a good chess player, of course my dad is very good.

A: Yes, I'm amazing.

B: What's wrong with you?

A: Your father is so old, of course let me, I am still a thief. I didn't see your father stealing his chess pieces behind your back, and your father didn't play chess, but I played chess well and I won.

B: That's you.

A: I won, but your dad didn't agree, saying that he had to play two out of three sets. In the second set, guess which of us is better?

B: If you go down like that, I'm sure you're good.

A: Yes, your dad is amazing.

B: Why is my dad so good again?

A: This time, your father won't let me, and he has been careful, and I can't steal the child, your father is so good, of course I will lose.

B: You've lost again.

A: In the third set, guess which of us is the best?

B: I don't change my guess, just say it.

A: We made a draw.

B: I don't guess you're playing chess again.

B: Then don't go down.

A: Yes, I can't go down, but your father doesn't do it, so you have to continue?

B: Huh?? One is like a taxi, and there is no one who can cross the river, so how can he get down?

A: Hehe, your dad has an idea.

B: What's the idea?

A: Your father said, "Why don't we all cross the river?" ”

B: I haven't heard of it!

A: Then your father's elephant crossed the river, and my taxi crossed the river, and your father took his elephant like me, and I took my soldier and your father... Your dad is like me again, I am your dad again, your dad is like me, I am your dad, your dad is like me, my dad is like me, my dad is like me, your dad is like me, my dad is like me, my dad is like me, my dad is like me, my dad is like me, my dad is like me, my dad is like me, I am your dad...

B: you!!

When I was in junior high school, my table mate was a smoker, and my geography teacher was an old man.

I was in geography class, and my tablemate was addicted to smoking, so I lit a cigarette while the teacher was writing on the blackboard, smoked, and spit out the window.

Once, when the contract table was facing out and smoking, the teacher turned his head, but the table mate didn't notice that the smoking nostrils didn't stop. I saw the teacher's eyes widen and he was stunned and said, I have smoked all my life, and I can't smoke from just one nostril, how did you do it?

The table was shocked, sorry, I had a cold, and one nostril was blocked.

Instantly laughed.

One day the teacher was lecturing on the stage, Xiao Ming was whispering to the same table below, and the teacher was very angry, "Xiao Ming, repeat what you just said ten times" Xiao Ming "hum... Say it out loud!! "The teacher has a vegetable leaf on his teeth, and the teacher has a vegetable leaf on his teeth...