What are some of the most funny jokes you have in your phone?

That day, when I was in class, I suddenly had a stomach upset, hurriedly asked the teacher for leave, and rushed into the school toilet in a hurry. But the voice-activated light of the school's dog toilet was blown up by the group of dog sons who loved to smoke in the toilet, so I could only walk in the dark, and after finding a good spot, I quickly took off my lower clothes. Just as I was about to sit down, a strong arm grabbed my hips and said to my ass

This is someone! "I was about to relax the chrysanthemum, but when I heard this, I was busy trying to put the chrysanthemum, but the chrysanthemum is not a special remote control, how can I be so obedient? As a result, that dude was sprayed with all over his face!

I took advantage of him to wipe his face, and ran away with my pants on.

At the year-end meeting, the new director lost his temper: Look for yourself, this is the assessment of our bureau this year, you say, how do we ......Now I announce that this year, our bureau will not select the advanced, but who will be the gangster ...... of our unitEveryone listened: Nima, it seems that the director is going to ...... seriouslyGuys, carefully hand over the ballot ......The director picked up the ballot paper and put it in his bag

In the future, we will choose a ...... every once in a whileFor the selected unit gangsters, I will deal with ...... seriouslyAs he spoke, he left the ...... venueAfter a period of time, the unit gradually normalized, Secretary: Director, last time you said that you would elect the gangsters of the unit, you ......Director: Oh, the situation of the unit is good now, and this matter will not be pursued ......As he spoke, he took out his ballot and prepared to throw away ......The secretary took a look:

Ah, it turns out that the director was unanimously elected, ah ......

1 "Chicken or duck, which is smarter?" "It's a chicken! "Why?

Because of the essence of chicken! What does a "2" dog wagging its tail mean? "It's happy.

Are you sure? "If you don't believe it, you can ask it! "3" fish do not make sound.

"Why? "Have you ever had a haircut?" Try it when you meet someone who can't wash your hair.

4. "It's okay to be a little late for work. "Aren't you afraid of leadership? "Don't be afraid, because there is no greater official than me in this factory."

5 "I go to bed at 10:30 p.m. every night. "It's good habits. "Coax my wife to fall asleep and then get up and watch TV..

Several colleagues in the office had differences of opinion with the director, and the atmosphere in the office was extremely dignified for a while! The director angrily led everyone to the green belt and pointed to a nest of ants that were carrying food, "See?" "I see!

Director: This is emphasizing the importance of teamwork! "You know! The director stepped on the ant nest, "It's so easy for Lao Tzu to kill you!" ”

Once when my friend confessed, he said, "Hey, can you be my girlfriend?" My house is going to be demolished soon"。Her: "But I have a boyfriend, what should I do?" "。He said. Cut! As if there was no "her; mmp！

My neighbor was about the same age as me, and one day he forgot to bring the key, went over my balcony, found the key in the house, turned it back, and opened the door of his house.

In kindergarten, the little boy gave a little girl the lollipop that he had licked, and the little girl picked up the lollipop and asked: What should I do if I eat it and get pregnant? The little boy said domineeringly

After birth, let's go to kindergarten together! That's the most responsible thing I've ever heard! There is responsibility, this is called a gentleman!

Today, my five-year-old son went to the cake shop with a few dollars in change. The boss gave him a small cake, and the son looked at it and said, "Why is it smaller than before?"

Boss: "You have small hands, and the small cake is easy to hold." The son was stunned for a moment, and then took out a dollar and said to the boss

The money given to you is small, and it is convenient for you to count! ”

When I was a child, I had a fever of 40 degrees, my dad took me to the hospital on a bicycle, and accidentally fell into the river.

Taxi, I dozed off on the road for a while, and the usual distance of 30 yuan was rounded into 80 yuan by the driver. I said arrogantly: "Big brother, give you 100, don't look for it!"

The driver looked around at the car and said, "Where's the money?" Where to put it?

I got out of the car and ran, shouting at the driver: "I told you that you don't need to look for it, and you can't find it!" ”

A rich woman took her dog for a walk, and met a beggar on the way. She arrogantly taunted the beggar, "You call my dog bark, Dad, I'll give you a hundred dollars!" The beggar said, "What if I scream ten times?"

The rich woman happily: "I'll give a thousand!" The beggar immediately shouted "Dad" ten times at the dog, attracting a cloud of spectators.

In front of everyone's eyes, the rich woman had to pay him. The beggar took the money and shouted, "Thank you, Mom!"

Thank you Mom. ”

One day, Xiaomei and her boyfriend drove out for a ride, the car was almost out of gas, and there happened to be a gas station next to it. Xiaomei's boyfriend said to her, "I'll go pick up the hat, you can cheer me on."

I was walking on the road and saw a person looking up at the night sky with a very serious expression, I am an astronomy enthusiast and I am very happy to meet my confidant. I walked over and smiled at the man and said, "Do you see that spoon-like star of the world, that is called the Big Dipper is used to measure the direction."

Do you see that big, big star, it's called Pluto? I continued, "I know that when the sky is about to light, there is a song with a very big star, and that is called the morning star.

I looked at his serious expression, and I smiled and said to him, "Why are you looking up at the sky, you like that star the most?" He said happily

I don't like the stars, I just want to keep an eye on them, afraid that if they fall from the sky and crush me to death. ”

A woman went to the zoo with an ugly child. The woman first greeted the zoo guard: "Look, this is my child, I'll take him out later, don't say I stole the monkey inside."

The zoo doorman looked at it carefully, nodded and said, "Okay, I know, don't worry." Two hours later, the woman came out of the door with the guessing child.

Wait, wait. The woman looked back and saw that it was the zoo guard calling out to herself. "I'm sorry, the kid can't go.

The woman got angry: "Didn't you just say that it was okay? This is my child, why can't I go?

The doorman panted and said, "I can see clearly, but the mother monkey inside can't see clearly—after you left, a mother monkey was very impatient, tearing and biting, thinking that you had stolen his child." Please take the child to the female monkey and let him take a good look. ”

Xiao Li: Xiaomei, it's cold, pay attention to wearing more clothes Oh Xiaomei: Brother Xiao Li, do you like me? Xiao Li: You don't know until you've been on it!

1 son: Dad, is it a good thing or a bad thing to work closely with the two strong people to unite and work closely? Dad:

Of course it's a good thing. Son: So should you praise or criticize?

Dad: Of course I have to give you a compliment. Son:

Then why did the teacher criticize me today? Dad: Huh?

What a bad teacher! What are you doing working closely together? Son:

We work closely together on the exam. 2 Son: Dad, can you tell me the story of Jian Chun when I was a child?

Dad: Okay. What do you want?

Son: Dad, I will learn valuable life lessons from you in the future. Dad:

Good son - what do you want to hear? Son: Dad, did you have any regrets when you were a child?

Dad: Yes. Son Zao Chong:

What's up? Dad: When I was a child, I listened too much to my teachers and parents.

I have a friend who is stupid and gets his math problems right every time. That day, I went to see a friend, who was scratching his ears and cheeks doing a math problem, and I looked at my friend and said, "Is the math difficult?"

The friend nodded and said, "Indeed, it's not easy, I really don't understand." I sighed and smiled at my friend

Do you know that you have never understood math problems? My friend shook his head and said, "I don't know."

I took out a math problem and pointed out: "Why don't you say you're stupid, if you have a low test score, you shouldn't have scored, change it to a higher one." When my friend heard this, he smiled at me and immediately started to change the score.

Seeing that my friend finished correcting the score, I picked up the math paper and smashed it on my friend's head and yelled: "You stupid, dare this."

1. Last night, I heard a conversation between two couples. Man: What do you like to do?

Woman: I like to do everything! Male:

So do you like to kill? Woman: I like it, I kill hundreds of millions at a time.

The man was terrified: with a knife or with a gun? Female:

Shooting people doesn't count. The man's eyes widened, and he felt that he had to look at her well: Do you have real kung fu?

A finger remnant? The woman laughed and was proud: Little contraceptive!

2. Women talk to men about how many artistic cells they have, and they can sing, dance, and play the piano ......Man: Do you want to sing a song? The woman sang "Song of a Good Man", and as soon as she opened her mouth, she buried her boyfriend in a daze.

Man: Would you like to dance, then? The women danced street dances, turned around many times, and dazzled the men.

Man: You talk about playing a tune.

3: There are three chicken feet at noon, I was busy looking at the mobile phone, I was too lazy to be filial piety and my sister rushed to eat, my sister stumbled to solve the two chicken feet, and insisted on giving me a chicken feet to eat, because the macro disturbance of the mobile phone did not care about her, but she was gracious, and even used her hands and feet to demonstrate that I eat chicken feet, and my heart swelled with a burst of emotion, and when I was about to gnaw, she said: "Mom, even Li Hu ate two chicken feet, disgusting me."

4: How hard it is for mosquitoes in the early morning, in order to feed the child in the belly, get up early and be greedy to bite me, just to eat but have to pay the price of life, frightened and have to take risks, I was very moved, and then shot it to death.

Erming: Mom, why do you want to light mosquito coils? Mother: Because mosquitoes like to smell smells, they don't like smells. Erming: Then let's go take a shower.

1My wife woke up in the middle of the night and found that her husband was gone. The wife shouted: Husband, are you a**?

My husband trembled and said, "I'm under the bed." The wife asked embarrassedly

Did I squeeze you down? My husband said: No, you blew me off when you breathed.

2 The wife wanted it, and the husband reluctantly agreed. My husband said: Do it or not, draw lots to decide!

My wife said, "Okay, but I want to do the lot." After a while, my wife brought two paper balls and put them in front of my husband.

The wife smiled and said: Husband, catch it! My husband grabbed one, opened it and looked at it, and it read:

Once. This base wife looked at it and smiled: Count yourself lucky.

My husband was puzzled: I don't want to, how can I be lucky? The wife threw another paper ball to her husband.

My husband opened it and looked at it, yes.