Jokes are urgently needed, who has funny jokes?

A county magistrate with a strong accent came to the village to make a report: rabbits, shrimps, pig tails! Don't pickle melon, pickles are too expensive!

Translation: Comrades, villagers, pay attention! Don't speak, let's have a meeting!

After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said: Pickles, please sausage and pickles! Translation:

Don't speak, I'll tell you a story.

A Chinese teacher read an ancient poem by Lu You entitled "Lying Spring" for the students, and asked the students to dictate it

Wo Chun" "I'm Stupid".

Dark plum whispering flowers, I have no culture, lying on the branch and hating the bottom. I have a very low IQ.

Hearing from afar like water, I want to ask who I am, easy to see through the spring green. A big stupid donkey.

The shore is green, I am a donkey, the shore is green, I am a donkey, the shore is green. I'm a stupid donkey.

1. Someone takes a bath in the bathhouse and rinses his mouth with his hands. The bathers frowned.

Someone said: "Why are you so unhygienic? ”

The man arched his hand and said, "I'll just vomit outside." ”

2. A fashionably dressed woman walked into the post office to remit money, filled out the remittance form and handed it to the salesman.

The salesman looked at it, returned the remittance slip and said, "Comrade, the amount should be capitalized." ”

The girl tilted her head and said, "Capitalized? The grid is so small, can it be written with a capital letter? ”

3. A tour group went to the scenic hotel for dinner and ordered a plate of turtle eggs at the banquet.

After a while, the waiter brought a few plates of local souvenirs and greeted him warmly: "Distinguished guests, it's not a good thing, please eat it casually!" ”

4. After graduating from university, I applied for a job, and I entered the company building, paying attention to the surrounding environment as I walked.

Suddenly, I noticed a broom lying across the floor, and I thought to myself, maybe this is a test of the candidate's personal qualities, so I picked up the broom and leaned against the wall.

Just when I was complacent, a middle-aged man came over: "You picked up the broom?" ”

I smiled and nodded.

The man shouted, "What a nosy! This broom is what I use to block the door, and now the lock hits the ......”

A: Is my head like a cow?

B: Like.

Short, hilarious jokes.

1. One day, Xiao Ming asked his father: "Dad, am I a stupid child?" ”

Dad said, "Silly boy, how can you be a silly child?" ”

2. There was a little girl of three or four years old who had a cold and wanted to drink a very bitter potion, and she cried when she saw the potion, and she didn't drink it no matter how she coaxed her.

Do you drink it yourself, or does Dad pour it on you? Dad said helplessly.

The little girl was silent for a while, then gritted her teeth and said, "Irrigation!" ”

3. When you speak ill of me, can you not add fuel to the vinegar? Think stir-fry?!

4. If I can still remember you in the next life, it must be that I have not died completely enough in this life.

5. Xiao Ming thought that his mother's cooking was not delicious, so Xiao Ming's mother specially signed up for a training class. A few months later, Xiao Ming's mother beat Xiao Ming obediently with taekwondo!

5. Xiao Ming: "Don't make friends with people in cities where the temperature is below 40 degrees." ”

Xiaohong: "Why? ”

Xiao Ming: "I'm not familiar!" ”

6. Mrs. Gates said in an interview: "Our family never uses apple products, and we don't even eat apples. ”

Jobs, who was sitting on the sidelines, said disdainfully: "Cut, what's the big deal, we don't even have windows in our house." ”

Zuckerberg said, "Do you dare not face? ”

7. A man who doesn't have a girlfriend goes to a fortune teller to tell a hexagram.

The fortune teller said, "You are destined to have no woman in the first half of your life".

The man's eyes lit up, "What about the second half of his life?" ”

You get used to it in the second half of your life", said the fortune teller.

8. The ant and the elephant got married, but the elephant died within a few days. The ant was very sad and cried while burying the elephant: "My dear, why are you ahead of me?" I don't have to do anything in my life, I'll bury you."

9. I went from having nothing to having assets of over 100 million, from the four walls of my family to the luxury car and villa, these are not relying on others, but completely on my own, bit by bit, to come up with it.

10. My dream is to save 1 million, and now that I have completed half of it, I have saved 100.

A couple fishing in the river. Madame always quarreled, and after a while the fish was hooked, Madame said, "This fish is really pitiful." The husband said, "Yes, as long as you shut up, you'll be fine?"

The one on the left is read by a teacherOn the right is a student's dictation.

Wochun |I'm stupid.

Dark plum ghostly flower, |I have no culture, and I hate the bottom of the branches. |I have a very low IQ.

Lying like water in the distance, |If you want to ask me who I am, it is easy to pass through the spring green. |A big stupid donkey.

The shore is green, |I am a donkey, and the shore is like a transparent green, |I am a donkey, and the shore is like spring green. |I'm a stupid donkey.

Cycle. Lao Wang was resting under the tree, and Lao Li came over to him and said, "Hey, why don't you go up the mountain to chop wood?"

Lao Wang said: "What are you chopping wood for?" Lao Li said:

It's so good to sell. When you sell it, you can buy donkeys and sell firewood from house to house. When you make money, you buy trucks, and then you buy a lumber mill and sell wood.

Enjoy the blessings at ease. Lao Wang said, "Then what do you think I am doing now?" ”

2. Soft-shelled turtle turmoil.

The soft-shelled turtle is also called the group fish or turtle, and is commonly known as the king eight. Delicious and expensive. "Don't buy what you eat, don't eat what you buy", it's actually a high-end gift, and public relations is ugly.

Star. A certain township sent several people to bring turtles into the city to pay tribute. Because of its different weights, it must be distributed according to the "position", so in order to avoid mistakes, the official number is written on paper and pasted on the back of the turtle.

It was already late in front of the residential building of the cadres of the organs. Unexpectedly, the bamboo basket overturned, and all the soft-shelled turtles rushed to escape for their lives in the twilight, and the villagers exclaimed: "Director Zhao" ran away!

The biggest one. Grab "Director Money" - watch out for its bite. The black in the corner of the wall is "Section Chief Sun"?

Secretary Li smiled and said, "It's small, it's fast, I'm afraid I can't find it."

3. It's late. In the subway, a man spotted a pickpocket digging out his wallet and humorously said, "Dude, you're late!" I'll take it today.

but my wife is much quicker than you! ”

4. Love letters. In a letter to his girlfriend, the young man wrote: "I love you so much that I would like to go to war for you." If it doesn't rain on Saturday, I'll come.

5. Unreasonable complaints.

Two people eat together, there are only two fish, one large and one small. One ate the big one first, and the other was furious. "How inappropriate!

He complained. "What's wrong? Another bumper asked.

You ate the big one, and you wouldn't have done it if I were you. "What will you do.

What about it? "Of course I'm going to eat the small ones first. "That's good wow, what are you complaining about, isn't that little fish still there! ”

6. Confidentiality for you.

A: "I'll only tell you about this matter, please keep it a secret for me." "

Umbrella and life. A long time ago, both father and son were well-known Mr. aliases. Once, when the son was out to visit relatives, on the way, it suddenly rained heavily, and he didn't bring an umbrella, so he wrote to his father and said:

I quarrel with my father, my son goes halfway, it rains heavily, others have lives (umbrella), I have no life (umbrella), I have life (umbrella) to bring life (umbrella), no life (umbrella) takes money to sell my life (umbrella). ”

His father saw the letter from Tong and quickly replied: "Son, if you know how to write a horse, then a horse (write), and if you can't write a horse, you will bear (one by one). There is tolerance (guest) in the hall, and I am also ashamed to death. ”

1. Teacher: Everything must be done in one go in order to be appreciated. Student: I see, I'm not going to let go of intermittent farts in the future. 」

2. The teacher said: Children, keep quiet, so quiet that you can hear a needle falling on the ground. After a while, a little boy screamed, "Throw the needle!"

3. Xiaomei wrote "My Wish": I hope to have a lovely child, and I also hope to have a husband who loves me. Teacher's comment: "Please pay attention to the order of precedence. ”

4. The teacher asked Xiao Ming: "The first major tributary of the Yangtze River - the birthplace of Han Water is in **" Xiao Ming was so anxious that he sweated on his head, and he got the revelation and said: "Sweat originates from his head".

5. Mom prepared a very, very sumptuous dinner, Xiao Ming was puzzled, and Mom told him that Dad would bring a Lancela over later. When Dad came back, Xiao Ming opened the door and found that Dad was coming back with a man, Xiao Ming ran to Mom and whispered:"Mommy, that Lady Lanthra is a man!

6. The community conducts a survey about pets, and it happens to be raindrops.

Uncle Administrator: "Little friend, do you have any puppies, kittens, rabbits or birds at home?" ”

Raindrop: "No, my mother didn't give birth. ”

Uncle Administrator:

"The Son-in-law and Father-in-law of People Have Three Urgencies" detonated laughter, and it was a joke when they met for the first time!

Now open the second child, think about what name to give the child, think about it and don't know what. Later I decided to call it a small burial! (Anyone who has watched "Dry Sister Buried" knows it) Mom said no. Because "buried" means to be buried, it is not possible.

I smiled coldly and said: The real name of the anime is still called: Tsuchima Buried