What joke can you think of right now that makes you laugh and cry?

As soon as school started, I walked into the classroom, sat down, picked up the 2nd grade textbook, and saw the younger sister of my classmate last year holding the 1st grade textbook in her hand.

My colleague asked me to borrow money today, and the reason was that "I went on a blind date on National Day, and I thought it was good for each other." The woman asked for a bride price of 180,000 yuan, but he didn't have enough money! I asked him how much he wanted, and I guess there was more! Friends are "five hundred short".

My niece called me Doudou when she was just learning to speak, and a little girl on the street was very polite and called me aunt, and my friend's child called me Piggy.

For example, I will tell you a secret ......In fact, Ma Yun is the key poverty alleviation target of our village.

Today, when I was on the bus, I saw an old grandmother holding a child, and I said, "Grandma, sit here with me." I touched the child's face and asked, "Is this my brother or sister?" Grandma was stunned for a moment and said, "This is your uncle."

Mom bought a new mobile phone, let me help her look at ** WeChat! Fiddling with his mobile phone upstairs, he accidentally knocked on the stairs and lay on the stairs, and his jaw stabbed instantly! looked up at my mother with teary eyes, but my mother ran over and picked up her mobile phone and shouted

Why are you so careless, you won't break my phone......

Today, a customer's husband came to settle the bill for her, and after the settlement, the eldest brother looked left and right, lowered his voice and said: I have a word for you, can you promise me? Then he looked straight at me.

What did he want to say? Won't it be? ......I nodded steadily.

The eldest brother said: Don't tell my wife about the 5 3 yuan discount just now? You can help me take it for me first, and I'll get it later.

At the end of the meal, the big boss suddenly came, asked me if I had finished eating, and immediately accompanied him on a business trip after eating, I was surprised and delighted, according to the law, this is to promote me! I pressed the excitement, said to eat, I can leave immediately, I didn't answer the phone when it rang, of course I can't drop the chain at this time, the boss nodded approvingly, and the takeaway brother came in and called my name: Your meal is here.

My friends' children are all older, and they usually call me auntie, although I don't want to admit it. A friend of mine said that if you don't have children, my children will have to call your children aunt in the future. I lose!

What a deep memory. Now I finally know why I am getting old so fast. Tired.

Parents love, my mother said: "That year in the town militia target competition, I and your father, these two old classmates, cultural people, respectively represented their respective villages, I shot 11 rings, your father was the backbone of the militia at that time, and his marksmanship was very good, but he deliberately lost to me, and all ten shots missed the target!" At that time, it was a sensation in the two villages, and they all said that your father had a crush on me!

Dad said: "There is a problem with that gun, after the game, I will carry the gun to the leader, there is a problem with the crosshair, whoever hits will miss the target!" ”

Little Head Dad: A marathon was held in my son's community. Big Head Son: Marathon? Can you eat it?

1.A paragraph I saw on the Internet: 'Sir, have you bought a house, if you don't buy it again, it will go up again" "I have already bought it" "Then have you considered selling your house recently, the house price has fallen recently"."Well, in fact, I don't have money, I don't have a house, and I don't have a house."

Sir, here to help the real estate developer distribute leaflets, 80 yuan a day, regardless of food, if you are interested, you can contact. “2.It doesn't matter if you buy it or not, go inside and have a look!

All the famous brands in our store are sold for two pieces in the whole store, and they are sold for two pieces! Two dollars for everything you pick, two dollars for everything! !

Whatever you pick, what you buy, it's two pieces late! The original price is all ten yuan and eight yuan! !

Now sell two pieces for the whole site! Two dollars to deal with, two dollars to sell! !

Real clearance, real dumping! !You don't have to ask for a price, you don't have to bargain, and you're not afraid of being slaughtered!

Sell two dollars in the whole market, buy two dollars for everything! !Pick and choose, sell two pieces in the whole market, and buy two dollars!

Sell two dollars in the whole market, buy two dollars for everything! !Pick and choose, sell two pieces in the whole market, and buy two dollars!

Two dollars, you can't buy it and suffer a loss! !For two dollars, you can't be fooled!

Real value for money! !

Take what is cheap, buy what is cheap!! It's all two, and it's two dollars for everything! !

Sell two pieces in the whole field, and choose two pieces at will!!1!!Don't miss it!

It is rare for the machine friends to be cleared! !

Lose money and sell it, sell two dollars in the whole market, and sell two dollars in the whole market! 3.A small-scale food company's hot sauce wanted to be advertised before it went on the market.

I couldn't afford to rent a billboard in the city, so I rented a billboard at the city gate. After renting the billboard, the Sima posted a leasing notice: "Advertising space for rent, 880,000 yuan a year!"

The impact of sky-high signboards seems to be undoubted, and gradually the whole city knows that there is a ridiculously expensive advertising space at this intersection. A month later, an advertisement for hot sauce was launched, and the market opened quickly. 4.

Take a tricycle out to play, see a wallet on the back seat, tell the master whose wallet dropped, go to get it and find it tied to the seat, ask the master what's going on, he said, when the guests are less and more cars, the guests will choose the car, every time the guest chooses the car, see a wallet in the back, the greedy person will take his car, get on the car and find that there is no way to take it down, so that you can pull a lot of guests. 5.Yesterday a fish pond was newly opened, and the fishing fee was 100 yuan.

Fishing all day did not catch a fish, the boss said that anyone who did not catch a chicken will be sent, many people went, each person came back with a chicken, everyone was very happy! I think the boss is very interesting! Later, the warden of the fishing ground said that the boss was originally a professional chicken farmer, and there were no fish in this fish pond.

6.Practical case of inventory clearance: I saw 688 pairs of Nike sneakers on the Internet, and the seller said that one was fake and three were lost.

So I bought it, but when the courier came today, I opened it and saw that it was 4 pairs of fake Nike shoes.

Tang Seng and his apprentices were tired of walking and stopped to rest, Bajie fell asleep, Tang Seng called Wukong: "Wukong, come here, chat!" Wukong came over:

Master, just say what you want to talk about! Tang Seng: "Speaking of chatting, let's talk about you back then, because the Jade Emperor sealed you a Bi Ma Wen, and later learned that this official made a big fuss in the Heavenly Palace, to say that these eight precepts are much more than you, and they didn't say anything if they got a marshal of Tianpeng!" , Wukong: "Pull it down, master, later Bajie knew that he was just a 'ceiling' marshal, didn't he also make a big fuss!" Tang Seng:

He's making a fuss too? Wukong: "It's not, it's just that the two of us make trouble in different ways, I made a big fuss in the Heavenly Palace, but Bajie made a fuss in the Moon Palace!" ”

Female employees ask for leave from their leaders. Female employee: "Manager, I'm taking two days off to attend the class reunion, please approve it."

The manager said, "No." The female employee was upset when she heard this, and said angrily:

Why not, who doesn't have a thing, who won't take a leave, and I don't often ask for leave, I haven't asked for leave in the past six months! The manager said, "I can't say no, it's not good."

If it's something else, you can also think about it, you're going to meet your classmates, your classmates have complicated feelings, and now it's not like classmates will learn to break up a pair is a pair, it's very dangerous, so you can't go. Female employee: "Okay, you have the final say in the company, I'll settle accounts with you when you go home, and you can wait to kneel on the washboard tonight!" ”

Teacher: Xiaofan, why are you so nervous? Xiao Fan:

Because it's going to be a final exam. Teacher: The more nervous you are, the more you can't do well in the exam, so relax.

Xiaofan: How can I relax? Mom and Dad hoped that I would not do well in the exam, and Dad prepared a bamboo whip and Mom prepared a feather duster.

Teacher: What are they preparing that thing for? Xiao Fan:

If you don't score zero points, you're ready to play! Teacher: What?

Do parents want you to give you a zero score? Xiaofan: Yes, they said that as long as I scored zero in the exam, I could apply to have a second child.

Teacher: Do you know what the reason is? Xiao Fan:

Dad said, if the first child is mentally retarded or other disabilities or something, you can apply to have a second child, but I am not mentally retarded at all, at least the 1+1 is equal to how many I will do, and what "O" can read, in case the exam happens to have this question.

On the weekend, because I didn't have a job and was bored, I simply took ten yuan and went to the haunted house to play. I got to the haunted house, bought a ticket for ten bucks, and walked in. As soon as I entered, I felt the eerie atmosphere of the haunted house, but I have been to the haunted house many times and have long been familiar with this atmosphere.

It just so happened that there were two girls in front of me, and a fat girl smiled and said, "Haunted houses are nothing more than that, not scary at all, just a few silly ghosts wearing masks, not fun." I said with a smile

Isn't it? The fat girl turned around and wanted to say a few words to me, when suddenly she looked at my face and rolled her eyes and fainted. I hurriedly explained:

I'm not a ghost in a haunted house, I'm a real person. The other girl was also so frightened that she left her companion and ran to the door of the haunted house, when the owner of the haunted house rushed in and said loudly.

Xiao Ming is a gangster at school, he is a little bully at school, and he always likes to bully his classmate Zhang Xiaoxiao for fun. One day, Xiao Ming came home from school and met his classmate Zhang Xiaoxiao again, Xiao Ming said with an evil smile: "Rabbit cub, it's really a narrow road, buy me two chicken legs."

Zhang Xiaopin pretended to be scattered and stood there motionless. Xiao Ming scolded a little unpleasantly: "Cao, talk to you, are you deaf, hurry up."

Zhang Xiaoqi roared: "Lao Tzu is not afraid of you today, you will come to beat me if you have a kind." Xiao Ming's heart was a little weak, did this Zhang Xiaoxiao deliberately wait for me in an ambush on this road, is there a senior student behind him?

Xiao Ming asked tentatively: "Aren't you afraid that I will beat you?" Zhang Xiaoxiao roared:

Lao Tzu is not afraid, Lao Tzu has eaten painkillers in advance, come on, hit me. ”

When I went to see my dentist yesterday, I found that the female doctor who showed me my dentist was very good-looking.

I thought to myself: now girls like to be rich, I must find an opportunity to show my strength.

The doctor asked: Is the tooth broken, can it be extracted?

I pretended to be nervous and asked, "Will the tooth extraction affect my ability to drive a Bentley?"

Doctor: It doesn't matter, it's just a little leaky when you brag about it.

When I went shopping with the female ticket and sent her home at 10 o'clock, I walked to the gate of the community, and I went over and asked the security guard: "Big brother, can you still go in now?" The security guard glanced at my girlfriend and said

Yes, let's go inside! Then I turned to my girlfriend and said, "What should I do, it's too late to get in, or let's go open a room!"

My girlfriend didn't seem to believe it, so she also ran over and asked the security guard: "Uncle, can we go in?" The security guard glanced at me and said

Yes. Then my girlfriend turned to me and said, "I really can't get in, so let's go!" ”

I remember going to the supermarket for my son to buy chocolates the other day. His favorite thing is chocolate. When I get back, I want to take one and put it in my mouth.

But he told me that it was eaten by children, and adults could not eat it, and adults would have a toothache if they ate it. I thought it was very funny at the time. It turns out that he understands everything, but he is disobedient.

My baby was two and a half years old, I went to the kitchen to drink saliva, she threw all the plush toys, about 20 large and small, all to the ground, I was stunned to see, was about to get angry, the child turned over and hugged my leg and said, "Mom, they are so naughty, disobedient to the ground." The fire was extinguished in an instant.

My daughter is 7 years old, has just entered the first grade of primary school, and she only knows a lot of words, but I don't understand what he means. One day she suddenly asked my mom what a confession was. I was in a hurry, thinking how I should explain it to her.

And then she said to herself, "I know that confession is to tell clearly, and I slapped my thigh and said, yes, it's clear."

Daughter's diary.

I remember that when my daughter was in the second grade of primary school, the teacher began to let the child insist on writing a diary every day in order to exercise the child's writing ability, and asked the parents to sign it.

February 30, fine.

Today is in a particularly bad mood, just like today's weather, gloomy and gray. When I woke up in the morning, I found that the goldfish my dad bought for me had drowned in the fish tank! The weather forecast said that there was no rain, but it was pouring rain after school at noon, and I didn't bring an umbrella, and my father picked me up so late that I suspected that I was not my own.

Don't talk about it, I'm doing my homework, and it's all tears when I think about it.

What is this talking about! How can I sign it!

This is an era of affection, and if you want someone to miss you and remember it hard, the last way is to borrow money from him.

Hahaha, the coolest is not the human heart.

There is another one: Who said that a slap doesn't make a sound, I'll give you a slap, do you see if the slap doesn't make a sound?

A colleague's daughter-in-law came to the unit, and as soon as she saw him, she went up to a big-eared scraper, and said angrily, "Do you know what's wrong!" ”

Everyone thought that our colleagues would get angry and even do it, and we were ready to fight at any time.

Who knew that my colleague said very seriously, "Look at what you said, even if I didn't do anything wrong, what's wrong with being beaten a few times by my daughter-in-law!" ”

We burst into laughter, and the woman was stunned, her face flushed in an instant, and she was angry for most of the time, and whispered, "You can say it with this mouth!" ”