Whoever is funny, I ll do it! Who has a funny joke!!!

If you can hold back 5 and not laugh, you are ruthless.

1. Five yuan was kidnapped by a criminal gang, and I gave a hundred yuan bill

Feed! Your son is here, and if you don't want us to tear up the ticket, you will exchange yourself for him! ”

The hundred-dollar bill thought for a moment and said:

Tear it up, you don't even have 5 dollars after tearing it! ”

Replenishing the five-dollar and hundred-dollar bills are personal names.

2. A man was about to starve to death in the desert, when he picked up the magic lamp.

Magic lamp: "I can only fulfill one wish for you, say it quickly, I'm in a hurry." ”

Person: "I want a wife ......."

The magic lamp immediately conjured up a beautiful woman, and then said disdainfully: "I'm dying of hunger and greedy for beauty!" Lamentable! With that, he disappeared.

Man: "....Cake. ”

3. The earthworm family was very bored this day, and the little earthworm cut himself into two pieces to play badminton, and the earthworm mother thought that this method was good, so she cut herself into four pieces to play mahjong, and the earthworm father thought about it and cut himself into minced meat.

Mother Earthworm cried and said, "Why are you so stupid? You'll die if you chop it so hard! ”

Daddy Earthworm said weakly, "I suddenly want to play football. ”

4. One day, the animals smelled a very foul smell in front of the Guan Gong Temple.

The snake said, "I wouldn't let such a stinky fart when I'm so young, it must be a cow."

The cow said: I eat grass, and I don't let out such a stinky fart.

The pig said: The one who farts will definitely blush.

Suddenly, Guan Gong rushed out, beat the pig away and said: How many times have I said it, I am born to blush.

There was a man who met God one day.

God was suddenly so kind that he intended to give that man a wish.

God asks ..

Do you have any wishes.

The man thought for a moment.

I heard that cats have 9 lives.

Then please give me 9 lives...

God said. Your wish has come true.

One day, the man was bored ...

I want to say die, forget it.

Anyway, there are 9 lives.

Just lying on the railroad tracks...

As a result, a train drove by...

The man is still dead...

Why is that?

Because that train has 10 carriages...

It was a beautiful morning, the sky was clear, but a farmer sat drunk at the door, lost in his soul.

A passer-by stepped forward curiously and asked, "Fellow, the weather is so good today, why don't you enjoy it, but drink here instead of drinking."

Passerby: What misfortune happened?

Farmer: Today I was milking a cow, and I just squeezed it, and the cow kicked it over with his left foot.

Passerby: It's unlucky, but not yet.

Farmer: Well, there are some things you can never explain.

Passerby: And then?

Farmer: I tied her left leg to the post with a rope and squeezed it, and just as the bucket was full, she kicked the bucket over with her right leg.

The passer-by laughed and asked, "And then?"

Farmer: Well, there are some things you can never explain. I tied her right leg to the post as well, and just as the bucket was filled, she swept it over with her tail.

Passerby: It's bad luck. Forget it, don't be sad.

Farmer: Well, there are some things you can never explain.

Passerby: What else?!

Farmer: This time I don't have a rope, so I'm going to tie her tail to the post with a leash. I pulled the leash out and grabbed her by the tail. At this time, my pants fell off, and it happened that my girlfriend came in.

How to choose a wife?

What should I do? A young man who wanted to get married said to his friend, "My mother didn't like every girlfriend I brought home."

It's easy to do. His friend said, "Just find someone who looks like your mother."

I had already tried," he said, "but my father didn't like it."

Cao Cao didn't dare to take a plane (absolutely hilarious)!

It is said that once Zhuge Liang, Liu Bei, Sun Quan, and Cao Cao were on the same plane, and suddenly encountered an emergency and needed to parachute.

Escape. Only then did it turn out that there were only three parachute bags left on board. Everyone was nervous for a while, and then Zhuge Liang shook his feathers.

Fan, cleared his throat and said: "That's it, the mountain people come up with a few questions, and if they can answer them, they will parachute, and if they can't answer them, they have to do it themselves."

Jumped off. The others had no choice but to agree.

He also took an umbrella bag and went down. In the end, it was Cao Cao's turn. Zhuge Liang asked, "How many stars are there in the sky?" Cao Cao was stunned.

Self-rejoicing. The second time four people encountered an emergency on the plane, the four of them discussed, yes, it's still the old way. Zhuge Liang shook again.

The battle. Zhuge Liang nodded, so Liu Bei took an umbrella bag and went down. Zhuge Liang asked Sun Quan again: "That battle is dead."

How many people? Sun Quan thought for a while and said, "There are about thirty or forty thousand." Zhuge Liang nodded, and Sun Quan took an umbrella bag and went down.

Cao Cao couldn't help but snicker: "Zhuge Liang, Zhuge Liang, I have been through the past and the present, especially in the military, this time you are planted."

Finish. I saw Zhuge Liang ask: "What are the names of the soldiers?" Cao Cao almost fainted when he heard this, so he had to jump down by himself, but he didn't expect to jump into the sea again and pick up a life, Cao Cao laughed secretly.

The third time the same four people took the plane, and the plane encountered an emergency again, Cao Cao thought about it, Zhuge Lao'er wanted to fix me again, do it.

Simply I jumped down and forgot it myself, so as not to be insulted. So he jumped down, and in the high-speed descent in the air, he could only hear Zhuge Liang shouting to him above: "Mengde, there are four parachutes on the plane today."

The director and the section chief shared the elevator, and the director said to the section chief after farting: You fart! The section chief said, "I didn't put it."Soon the section chief was dismissed, and the director said at the meeting: You can't afford to take on big things, what use do you want?

The little snake asked Brother Big Snake in a panic. "Brother, are we poisonous?? The serpent said, "Why do you ask?" The little snake said, "I accidentally bit my tongue just now." ”

A smoker went to space to experience life, and he brought 50 kilograms of cigarettes. A year later, I came back to Earth with a yellow face and said indignantly: Fuck, I forgot to bring a lighter.

A girl returns home at night and encounters gangsters. Gangster ** asks: Stop!

Why go? The girl didn't want to be robbed, so she said pitifully: Go and borrow money.

The gangster still asked: What are you borrowing money for? The girl was afraid of being robbed, so she said:

I have a venereal disease and I can't afford to treat it. The gangster roared: Get out!

Three prisoners sat in front of a squint-eyed judge. The judge asked majestically, "What's your name?"

Bill. The second prisoner replied honestly. "I didn't ask you!

The judge roared. "But I didn't say anything! The third prisoner replied aggrievedly.

During the Dragon Boat Festival, a company distributed zongzi to its employees. The next day, the foreign employees came to work, and when they met, they said to the company's administrative manager: "The Chinese dim sum that the company sent yesterday is very delicious, but the lettuce outside is a little hard."

Then he said: There is dental floss on it, and it is really thoughtful ......

When I crossed the street, I encountered a red light, and my friend wanted to move forward, so I stopped him: "Light, wait for the light!" My friend turned back to me and said disdainfully, "You have Intel!"

A man angrily rushed into a unit and shouted, "Is this the Animal Protection Society?" Staff: yes, who bullied you?

The prince was enchanted and could only speak one word a year, and could only break the spell after receiving the princess's love. He hadn't spoken for five years, and when he had enough to say five words, he came to the princess. Said gently:

Princess, I love you! The princess said, "What do you say?"

And the prince fainted.

Judge: "How dare you break into someone's house in broad daylight and commit theft?" Defendant: "The last time you tried me, you said so angrily: 'You dare to sneak into a private house in the middle of the night and commit a burglary!' 'Excuse me, judge, when is the right time for me to work?'

Cao Cao and Liu Bei Qingmei cooked wine and talked about heroes, the two drank a few glasses, and during the banquet, Cao Cao said "Today's heroes are only kings and Cao Er", which frightened Liu Bei, who was obscure, dropped his chopsticks to the ground. Cao Cao asked why he dropped his chopsticks, and Liu Bei replied that there was a thunder in the sky just now and he was startled. After Liu Bei finished speaking, he suddenly let out a fart when he bowed down to pick up the chopsticks, which was very embarrassing.

When he was in distress, he only listened to Zhao Yun and said calmly: Don't be surprised, there is thunder in the sky, and farts come from the clouds! 」

As soon as Zhao Yun's voice fell, Guan Yu on the side took a step forward and said: Don't be surprised, the fart comes from the feather (rain)! 」

As soon as Guan Yu finished speaking, Zhang Fei continued to mutter: As soon as the fart sounded, the fart was flying! 」

Everyone burst into laughter.

Only Cao Cao didn't laugh, he was deeply touched by this matter. After sending Liu Bei and the others away, Cao Cao said to his subordinates: Liu Bei's subordinates, when they saw that the lord had a mistake, they all rushed to take on and make up for it, which was really loyal. If it's your turn, will you be able to do it? 」

Everyone was indignant and deeply aggrieved, only to hear Dian Wei shouting: Isn't it just a, isn't it a piece of cake? Xu Chu also said: What's so difficult about this? Is there comparable to me going into battle shirtless? 」

A few days later, Cao Cao invited Liu Bei to drink again. During the banquet, Cao Cao wanted to deliberately fart to see how his subordinates reacted, but he couldn't let it out. After holding it for a long time, I finally held back a little fart.

Cao Cao's subordinates had been waiting for a long time, and when they heard a slight grunt, Xu Chu hurriedly preemptively said: "The fart was put by Chu (pig)!" 」

When Cao Cao heard this, his eyes widened out in anger, and the others thought that Cao Cao thought that he was slow to react, so they rushed to pick him up. Dian Wei said: The fart is from the pawn! 」

Wrong! Xu Huang retorted loudly when he heard it, The fart is dangling! 」

Cao Cao had already heard it red-faced, and was about to get angry, only to hear the strategist Guo Tu scream: It's not right, it's not right, the fart is (spit out)! 」

Everyone burst into laughter.

When I was in high school, my English teacher (a middle-aged woman in her fifties) scolded us boys for not listening to the lectures, "What do you think? I was stunned, and somehow I said:

Miss you! There was silence in the classroom for a long time, just a pair of frightened eyes looking at me. The teacher stayed for a while, then pointed at me and yelled:

You're a stinky rascal! "Wronged!

1 Think back then, I punched the Nanshan Nursing Home, kicked the Beihai Kindergarten, and all the people below one meter were put down, and I stomped my feet in the morgue, "If you are not convinced, stand up for me!" "None of them dared to gasp

2 When a person first got on the plane and wanted to vomit, the flight attendant took an empty bag, and when it was almost full, she went to pick up the bag again, and told "don't vomit". When he returned, he saw that it was everywhere, and when he asked why, he replied, "When I saw that it was almost full, I took another sip, and everyone around me vomited."

3 And God said unto the little ones of the West who had passed away: Come, give thee a pair of wings to the angels. And God said to the little friends of Africa who had died, "Come, give you a pair of wings to be ...Bats....Let's do it!

4 When a man was walking through the cemetery in the middle of the night, he heard a knocking sound, and the more he listened, the more frightened he became, until at last he saw a man carving a tombstone. Relieved, he said to the other party: almost scared.

Kill me! What are you doing? A: They engraved my name wrong, and I changed it.

5 A woman is ugly, she can't get married, and she hopes to be trafficked. finally made his dream come true, but he couldn't sell it for half a month. The kidnappers sent it back, she resolutely did not get out of the car, and the kidnappers gritted their teeth and stomped their feet: go.

The car is unnecessary. 6. Three little white rabbits picked a mushroom.

Let the two big ones get some wild vegetables and eat them together.

The little one said I wouldn't go.

When I'm gone, you'll eat my mushrooms.

Two big ones.

I don't have to worry about it.

So the little white rabbit went

Half a year has passed.

The little white rabbit hasn't come back yet.

A big one.

It doesn't come back to my door to eat.

Another big one said.

Wait

A year has passed.

The little white rabbit hasn't come back yet.

Two big discussions.

Don't wait for us to eat.

That's when it happened. The little white rabbit suddenly jumped out of the jungle next to it and said angrily.

See! I knew you were going to eat my mushrooms.

7 Lily is newly married, and asks the officiant how much it costs to officiate at a wedding, and the host: The more handsome the groom, the more expensive it is. Lily handed over the ten yuan shyly, and the host was stunned, glanced back at the groom, and then found the ......

8A man raised a pig, and he was so annoyed by it that he wanted to throw it away, but the pig knew the way home, and threw it many times without success. One day, this person drove to abandon the pig, and that night he called his wife and asked, "Is the pig returned?"

His wife said, "Return." The man was very angry and yelled:

Hurry up and let it pick up **, I'm lost. ”

9When a husband was angry with his wife, he had no choice but to play with the cat, and she said, "Why are you with this pig?" ”

The husband replied, "It's not a pig, it's a cat." ”

The wife said, "What do you interject when I talk to the cat." ”

10A child went to a store to buy a toy airplane, and he gave the salesman a 50 yuan bill, and the salesman said, "Child, this 50 yuan bill is fake." The kid said.

Is your plane real? ”

A: You asked me if I was a white rabbit.

B: Are you a white rabbit?

A: Yes. You ask me again if I'm a big bad wolf?

B: Are you a big bad wolf?

A: Nasty! It's said that people are white rabbits.