What are some of the jokes that make you laugh until you cramp?

A group of men went up to heaven, and at the gates of heaven, God said, "Those who are afraid of their wives while they are alive stand on their left, and those who are not afraid stand on their right." "Almost everyone stood on the left, except for the little old man on the right.

God was amazed and said, "How can you stand on the right when all the other men are on the left?" The old man said

Don't go to crowded places, my wife told me. ”

On holidays and holidays, the traffic jam lasted for more than ten hours, and a driver finally couldn't stand it, he opened the car door like thunder and took out a long baseball bat. All the people in the traffic jam looked at him in surprise, only to see him scolding and smashing a snail on the ground, scolding while knocking: "I have put up with you for a long time!"

Follow me from the toll booth all the time, and now you dare to overtake my car! ”

Less than a week after my son went to school, he had a with his tablemates. The origin of the contradiction is that two people argue about whether to eat three meals a day or two, each insisting on one another, and not giving in to each other. Later, when my son learned the truth, he said to my daughter-in-law with tears in his eyes

It's been six years, six years! After living for six years, I learned that there is a meal called "breakfast" in this world.

On holidays and holidays, I have nothing to do with the customer service of the Agricultural Bank of China and ask: "What should I do if the bank card is lost?" The customer service said

Time stood still for a few seconds. The customer service said: "For your safety, we do not recommend that you bend down to pick up the card, because the water in your brain is easy to spill."

When I went to eat hot pot on holidays, I saw a striking statement on the wall of the hot pot restaurant: The sheep are raised by themselves, the vegetables are grown by themselves, and the oil is squeezed by themselves, reminding customers to eat with confidence. When it was time to pay, I quietly said to the boss:

Boss, this money is drawn by myself, please feel free to use it! The boss chased me for several streets with a knife, but he didn't catch up. Cut, it's funny, the legs are my own long....

I have a friend who is engaged in architecture, and I heard that a building is said to be quite high, but we have never been there. Another friend of mine jumped off that tall building a year ago because of his marital discord and love to commit suicide. One late night in the last few days, I suddenly received a **, and when I connected, I couldn't help but be horrified, ** on the other end turned out to be my friend who committed suicide.

I was surprised and asked, "They said you jumped off the building, so you didn't jump and are still alive?" The other end said:

They were right, I jumped off the building," I was frightened and then asked cautiously, "So what's going on?" He said on that end:

Alas! The building is too high! I was very surprised that I didn't come to my senses for a long time, and I pondered for a moment and asked

Even if the building is too high, but you have been hungry and starved to death for more than a year" The other end said: "I was more prepared when I jumped off the building, brought a flock of sheep, and jumped down with a hot pot" My brain couldn't be bigger, and I asked again: "Then how many sheep are there this year?"

He said, "You know that I have a small amount of food, and that many sheep have been born in this year, so that the number of sheep has not decreased in a year, but has increased." ”

Today I joked with my wife: "Wife, let's make an analogy, if you are robbed by a man, you say you are protecting your money first?" Or do you want to keep the color first?

The wife smiled and said, "This problem can't happen!" I said

Isn't that an analogy? What if? The wife replied:

If it is true, it still depends on the circumstances. I was very curious and asked, "Can you be specific?"

The wife said, "If it's a young man, then I'll keep the money first, and if it's old, then I'll keep the color first." And if it's a handsome guy, then I probably won't be able to guarantee anything.

And if I meet a type like you, then I have to fight hard and keep my color first. ”

When I went to work today, a colleague asked me, "Brother, what's wrong with you?" I said to him

Don't mention it, there's nothing to say, it's just a car accident! The colleague was surprised and said, "Car accident?

Judging from your injuries, it doesn't look like you were in a car accident! I said, "Isn't it like that?"

The colleague said: "How can there be a car accident like yours, with scratches on your face?" I replied

Alas, every morning when I take the subway to work, I can squeeze to death. So I discussed with my wife to buy a car, but she just didn't agree, and finally quarreled a few words, and her face was caught by my wife. ”

One day when the bus was crowded and there were too many people, I shouted in a hurry: "I've been on several stops, and I won't be allowed to go down!" ”

Another person shouted: "You're okay, I'm passing by and I've been squeezed up!" ”

Right now, an old man squeezed over: "Let me let you go, I'm the driver, who is driving now?" ”

At the main venue of the World Cup, looking at so many friends from all over the world, I couldn't help shouting: melon seed drink mineral water, peanut beer eight-treasure porridge! Buy it, watch it, and let friends who don't buy it!

There is a small three-storey building built by himself in a combination of urban and rural areas nearby, it looks very beautiful, a neighbor's eldest sister told me that the owner of the building is a bricklayer, and found a group of peers to help him build a house, from the time he built a floor, the old man came every day, every time he came to say that there was a little problem, but he couldn't remember, he and all the bricklayers also said that there was a problem and couldn't remember, the house was built very fast, only half a month to add the house to build, the old man was full of the house to go around, upstairs and downstairs ran over and over again, and finally found, There is no chimney, there is no chimney, there is no chimney in the northeast, how to burn the fire, and how to keep warm, so everyone smashed the ground together, two layers of cement prefabricated slabs, it took two days to succeed, and the chimney was penetrated. When I got the news out, I laughed like crazy.

There are so many people in Beijing, once I went to Beijing on a business trip, and waited on the side of the road to pick up my official car, but the place where I stood was a standing pile. A bus roared in, I just wanted to get out of the way, but I was pushed and squeezed into the car by the uncles and aunts, and before I could speak, I was squeezed by the crazy crowd from the front door to the back door, and was pushed down from the back door of the car, and I was holding someone else's mobile phone in my hand!

There is an aunt in the community who has taken off her shoes. When I walked into the department store, a loud voice asked, "Boss, do you have 250 in your house"? The boss roared: "Your family is all 250".

Chatting with friends, chatting and remembering something, I started looking for my phone, but I couldn't find it after looking for it, and I panicked! Hurry up and find it! It seems that I really lost it, so I told my friends that I would stop talking!

I lost my phone! I hung it up and didn't find it, so I opened my phone and called home**, Mom! I lost my phone!

Mom: What did you hit the ** with?

…Laughing!!

I took my son to eat Lanzhou ramen, but my son refused to eat it, so I pointed to the boss who was pulling ramen next to me and said to my son: Hurry up and eat, look, it's the ...... that the uncle pulled out